Oh Wise and Magnificent Great Potato,
I have a major problem. My
hair was once a diety in your religion, but I, like an idiot, cut it.
What should I do?
A Cow in His Own S***
Dear Cow,
YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! GO EAT
YOUR BROWNIES! PFFF!
Messengers of the Great Potato
PS: POOF!
PPS: AIRPLANE
Oh Wise and Magnificent Potato,
I have major issues. I was
raped by a f*****(load) of 4- year-olds. Help.
Mr. Duck Go to my webby!
Dear Mr. Duck,
I am sorry to hear that.
This is not the first time we have recieved these complaints. First, you
should get a pregnancy test (sex doesn't matter, just get the damn thing!).
Next, there is now a support group available for the f*****'s victims.
Speak to any of the following maligned animals for details:
F. the Fish: fdafish@beatuup.com
Fameat "Speedy" Weiss: woof@dog.com
Mrs. Duck: ileftmyhusband@boohoo.com
Iamknot A. Frog: yesiam@screwu.com
an anonymous 4-year-old: idontknowmyname@kid.com
M. Cow: hairlovr@moo.com
another anonymous 4-year-old: imbetterthanthatotherfouryearoldkid@thebest.com
Mrs. Smith's kindergarton class:
ichangeclasseseveryyear@dude.com
"Big" Bill Clinton: imthef***ingprez@getsome.com
For other readers, become an activist,
remember animals are people too, and we don't wanna know what type of offspring
they produce when crossed with "humans"!
Messengers of the Great Potato
Oh Wise and Magnificent Potato;
All my life, I had an urge to become
the world's most famous transvestite. My parents on the other hand, object
to this fateful decision that would affect the rest of my life. What should
I do to maintain my pride and the trust of my parents?
Sleepless in WannabeGirlville
Dear Sleepless in WannabeGirlville;
I would suggest that you should
follow your heart and do what you must, but the position has been taken.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT M. COW IS THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS
TRANSVESTITE?!?!?!
Please come back with a more likely
dream. Oh yes, if you wanna argue the position contact M. Cow at the email
shown in the above advice column about rape.
Messengers of the Great Potato
REPLY FROM M COW:
WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE? WHA WHA WHA BOO HOOO! LOOK YOU MADE ME CRY! AT LEAST MY HAIR STILL
LOVES ME!
O Vis and Manifsent Patto;
Iy wus bron wic a waer an trajec
dsordir. Iy canit spil von vird writ. Plecs Hlip Mi!!!
Iam Stoooped
Dear Iam Stooped (translation: I
am stupid)
I have ran into this case a couple
of times. Thus concludes either it is not rare, or all my friends are jackasses
(j/k!). Well, maybe you should type more often and use a program called
SPELL CHECK! WHOA! BIG CONCEPT! of course, one of our great messengers
(the root of the beer) might amuse you with a story about someone she knows
who can't spell (as in... not you amy but a person that inspires you!).
REPLY FROM THE ROOT OF BEER:
y i kant spel wrth krap
bi: "the root of beer" (thaanc tha potaatow phor spel chek)
translated by: an anonymous package of yogurt
"I was born 14 years ago, ad immediately dropped on my head repeatedly. I took 4 years of my
life struggling to overcome a severe tongue deformity, which up until then had prevented me from
speaking. BUT I CAN TALK NOW!!! HAHAHA! anyways, once i started talking my wonderful mother
confirmed the suspicions that i was ld. oh yeah, and i had also killed several brain cells in
the following methods:
1. watching reruns of fraggle rock
2. excessive heading
3. too much brass monkey
4. and one too many sniffs of whiteout, mmm... smells like grapes
i also consumed the following toxic and/ or harmful substances:
1. dirt
2. sand
3. grass
4. small insects
5. paper
6. dog biscuits
7. 10-yr-old crackers
8. glue
9. blue ice
10. other umm... "substances" (see my research paper)
11. uhh... coming soon, updated list of what amy eats
as a result, i am somewhat "braindead", but i guess i must not be too dumb if i got into gs.
hehe, just kidding!
Hehe, Potato;
I am a well-known assassin
and I suffer from insannity...::pause::
MWHAHAHAHAHA! Excuse me for a sec.... HEHEHEMUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, okay. Well, I'v got this... hahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA! problem... I laugh too
muHAch, and it's annoyinHEHEHEing. Well, on top of thAHAHAHAt, everyone can hear
me coming noOHAHAHAHAHA! So I can't kill theHEHEHEHA- them.
What should I do?
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (letter continues for seven more pages0
~Mr. Teatime
Dear Mr. Teatime;
Oh, Great Potato (Even though I once declared myself that in a chatroom!);
Princess Potato-head;
Dear Mr. Spud or whatever you are:
Tay, err... beer buddy;
Okay, on a more serious note... every girl is different. some admire persistance, others admire
that quite, dignity crap. Basically, all of the above bull means I can't really solve your
problem. Love is cruel and blind.(yogurt: i think i'm gonna lose my mind... sorry... couldn't help it)
but here are a few hints.
PS: YEAH MAN! BRING ON THE BRASS MONKIES! WRITE TO US AT thegr8ptto@hotmail.com
TO GET YOUR OWN PERSONAL ADVICE FROM ONE OF THE GREAT MESSENGERS OF THE
GREAT POTATO. REMEMBER, THE WAY OF THE POTATO IS THE STARCH WAY, AIN'T
NO WAY BETTER THAN THAT WAY.
I must praise you
for your excellent job despite the tragic problem with your uncontrollable
laughter. May I be the first to recommend a good shrink! If that doesn't work, just
stop breathing. Without breath you won't be able to laugh (even though your life might
be at risk). If you do survive can you please kill M. Cow?!?!?! I WILL GIVE YOU
POWER AND GLORY IN MY RELIGION!!! JUST DO IT!!!
Messengers of the Potato
PS: If you do not kill M. Cow, I will have to
condemn you to the great freezer.
PPS: If nothing works, contact the boy that f***
the 4 year olds at rage4u@hotmail.com. He will introduce you to a pic of a person's ass
that will permanately stop your laughing for good! (addy coming soon!!!)
I have a most graveous problem! My dog, Snookie-Ookie, had her long, beautiful butt fur trimmed by an unartistic clod.
Now, it is uneven and a fright to look at, but the clod is to cheap to pay for a groomer to even it up!
What can I do to help my Snookie-Oookie's butt fur be the envy of the neighborhood again?
Princess Potato-head
Since you say that you are a deity of our wonderful religion, you are asking yourself for advice!
We, like good messengers, do not recommend that (bad for your sanity). Of course, you could be a fraud
in which i will say that YOU WILL GO TO THE BIG FREEZER!!! HAHAHA KRISTEN WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW??? HUH??? GONNA
GO SNUG UP TO YOUR BLANKIE AND CRY??? WELL BOO HOO TO YOU! Our advice??? Change your dog's name!!! And always remember
that hair grows! (except in the case of one person in our firc class that amy would gladly tell you about)
Messengers of the Potato
What's going on man? I got a problem...seems I'm chasing the wrong girls!
They either "don't like me like that" or they're just totally not interested
in me!! You know...you and me are one in a million man...I guess we just
don't realize it...Well...what do you think I should do man? I need a girl
fast...my lips are longing for some loving!! ;) Thanks for your help
man...and one day, you and me need to go out for a beer...on me Spud masta!
Taylor Rosa... uhh... Your beer buddy!
Nuthin much happening here man, just spreading the word of the Great Potato..anyways, there
are a number of solutions to your problem.
1. You could be right, some girls have different taste in guys, hell some are lesbians, that
usually means they aren't your type
2. You aren't takin hints. Girls display their affection by going out of their way to walk
with/ talk to you, asking you to tutor them in a class they don't even take (my favorite
tactic), letting you turn in their work as your own, constantly staring at you, or (if they
really like you) baking you a potato. if a girl does any of things for you, she likes you.
(yogurt's notes: these were all tactics implied by amy to get someone's attention... yet alas, she failed miserably.. so i greatly
encourage you to take hints, and uhhh... eat potatoes!)
3. The girls you like are really transvestites (see m. cow or the f***** of 4- year-olds bout
this one) yogurt note: uhh... amy... taylor liked kiki and julia... remember them??? uhh..
they were kinda our friends... hmmmm... i dunno... i guess i was closer with julia but still.. THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!!!!!
1. If you like a girl, let her know. There's a good chance she likes you too, just never sat
down to think about it. If she doesn't, no big deal, there are many more to choose from (yogurt: hey... did you copy this from a book
beer?? cuz it surely sounds familiar)
2. Don't be too pushy. If a girl obviously doesn't like you, just forget about her. 15 years
down the road, you can laugh at her when she serves you at a cheap, run-down fastfood joint. (yogurt: amy's funny! heh... heh... i'm laughing
now!)
3. If all else fails, act really sad and pathetic, often you can pity someone into going out
with you (uhh yogurt girl doesn't advise this one... you might end up like amy!)
Uhhh... that's pretty much it. Go for it man!
Messengers of the Potato